Imposter Syndrome and Helpful Tips
It all begins with an idea.
Imposter Syndrome and Helpful Tips
By: Stephanie Donofrio, LMFT
10/5/2021
Has your self talk ever sounded like this? “I doubt myself often, I feel incompetent, everyone seems to have it together except me, I don’t know what to do, I don’t feel like I earned to be where I am, I’m a fake, I’m a phony”.
According to the Harvard Business Review, the definition of Imposter Syndrome is “A feeling of inadequacy that persists despite evident success”. Many Individuals suffer from chronic self doubt regardless of their education, experience and earlier success.
Imposter syndrome originates oftentimes from earlier experiences such as how one relates to their environment, how they identify themselves, what earlier messages or labels a person has received and buys into. This could derive from one’s family of origin, community, socio-economic status, religious affiliation, extracurricular involvement, peers, and other influential leaders in one’s life.
I’ve found some common personality themes among “Imposters” such as perfectionism. Some familiar examples of perfectionism is holding oneself or performance to the highest standard, a martyr-like dynamic where individuals have the mindset that success must be earned, saying to self “it must be hard and stressful. One must sacrifice for success. Another common dynamic is putting pressure on oneself that one must get a task or exam right the first try, having to work at it must mean that they are less than those who have accomplished it with perceived less time and effort. Another internal message is often that one must learn and develop a skill on their own verses having a mentor or learning from another person.
The truth is most of this negative self dialogue is garbage. Please remind yourself of previous successes you’ve had. The odds are everyone reading this can think of at least one time they were able to learn or have success. If this is the case, the odds are that you will have additional wins in your future as well.
Maybe you are a health professional reading this, maybe you’re finishing a grad program or another great feat. If any of this resonates with you, please remind yourself of the endless hours you have put in, the people that have loved and respect you, remind yourself of that time you won the Spelling Bee in sixth grade, whatever you have to do. You are NOT an Imposter. YOU DID THE WORK! YOU HAVE VALUE. No one can take these accomplishments from you.
In my work as a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist, I have seen in others and experienced myself specific factors that make us more prone to Imposter syndrome/outbreaks such as when we do the following.
Overwhelmed/ Over-scheduled and Overextended in personal and professional life
Are there areas that you could or might need to say no to? What are the expectations you face, are they realistic? Are these perceived expectations (cognitive distortions) or reality based? Finding the answers to these questions might help give you some direction for your next step.
Surrounding yourself around unsupportive people
Do you find the people you spend the most time from or seek consult from are unsupportive, judgmental, insecure or feel threatened by other’s success, experience or knowledge? I truly believe in the power of 5 concept. The five people you tend to seek out or spend the time with the most will have the most influence over decisions and choices you make. Surround yourself with eagles or those that are currently doing what you want to do, not chickens, those that run in circles afraid their is not enough feed for all the chickens.
If I’m not a Hero, I’m a Zero
Do you feel sole-y responsible for the outcome? Do you feel like your efforts are critical to keep others alive? I respect that you take others trusting you with their most private struggles seriously and your desire to help them. However, please remind yourself that empowering others to take action and ownership necessary to which allows them to narrate and write the ending to their own stories. It’s not our book to write but to help hold. It’s important to check in with ourselves when things feel so serious.
Fear of Failure
Do you procrastinate on reports, notes or other important “to dos”? Do you show up just in time or late to commitments? Do you feel intimidated by your supervisor, colleagues or clients?
If the answer is yes, what I have learned from my own experience over the years is that you are most likely not lazy. Helpers tend to be avoiders because they are perfectionists. You want to be helpful, you want things well written, you overanalyze the tasks ahead of you and speak critical of yourself. How could you expect to make movement and feel confident about it under those circumstances?
Your task is just that, a task. It’s not the creation of dead sea scrolls or a new draft of the constitution. It matters, but can’t matter so much that it steals your peace and makes you want to leave your job and sell cotton candy at the circus instead. (But if you do, I give you credit, I tried making cotton candy before, it’s not easy) Imposter syndrome although can be more common earlier in our careers, no one is immune to it and can experience it at different times in their lives. Remember it’s a feeling… not a fact.
In conclusion, Other helpful tips to regroup yourself when feeling imposter syndrome:
* Dress the part. Get up a little earlier so you can put on your costume (dress clothes or whatever it might be) so that you feel comfortable, confident and can focus on being your most authentic self.
* You know Maslow? Please for the sake of goodness, EAT. Please make sure you take the time for your own nutrition/getting movement. No one has ever planted a tree in honor of all the those who gave up lunch breaks to do back to back appointments. We have a higher likelihood of not feeling we are performing well under these circumstances.
* If you feel an earthquake, it’s okay to take cover. If you feel jittery in your body or unsettled and emotions are rising and you feel filled with doubt; you’re allowed to excuse yourself, take a break to breath and feel your feet on the ground. Focus on relaxation, reaffirm yourself worth.Please do not ignore your body communicating with you. I also encourage you to find a trusted colleague in the field to consult with afterwards so you can leave for the day and truly leave your doubt/fears as well.
* Are you afraid of being successful? I know this could sound strange to some. However others may relate. Dig deeper, where does this message come from? Are you afraid what others may think of you and the work you do? Do you fear judgement from your family of origin, will your community still respect or relate to you? I believe some imposter syndrome that individuals experience is related to these blocks and barriers. I highly recommend getting continued support around this from previous mentioned eagles or others doing what you are doing or want to do. Process this in your own personal therapy or how it impacts your success in business in your own consultation or supervision. The awareness of it alone can help make some small desired positive shifts.
* Grow! Continue to take interest in the niche areas that inspire and motivate you most. Make those CEU’s count. When we continue to take classes, watch ted talks, listen to podcasts, read books and continue to educate ourselves on the areas we work most with, it will directly benefit the work we do as well. It helps us feel more prepared, helpful and ready for what comes our way
Unique Tips for dealing with loneliness over the holidays
It all begins with an idea.
Unique tips for dealing with loneliness during the holiday season 10/4/2023
by Stephanie Donofrio, LMFT
1. Allow yourself to speak or get to know people you might not normally talk to. Invite neighbors over for a social event in your backyard . Serve a pie and have others bring one to share as well.
2. Volunteer an hour or two at an animal shelter snuggling and playing with cats or dogs, teaching a craft or sharing a talent at a retirement or assisted living facility. Sometimes staying busy or doing something for others helps distance ourselves from feelings of loneliness.
3. Take sometime for yourself to focus learning a new craft (crochet animals/Woobles) watch videos, have supplies on hand and enjoy the uninteruppted time.
4. Get out of the house, sometimes the holidays mean a few days off! Take a trip to an area you've wanted to travel, eat at a diner or other restaurants that are open regardless of the holiday. As you travel your way back, play your favorite music, listen to an inspiring or interesting podcast, hide kindness rocks at rest stops!
Ways to stay calm and healthy for the holidays
It all begins with an idea.
Ways to stay calm and healthy for the holiday season. 11/9/23
By Stephanie Donofrio, LMFT www.stephaniedonofriolmft.com
Keep your self care routine
Make sleep, nutrition and movement a priority. Make space to enjoy the treats of the season, while keeping in mind your sugar intake. Excess sugar consumption will interrupt your hormone levels, mess with your blood sugar, insulin levels and your brain’s neurotransmitters. Combine that with a lack of sleep, alcohol consumption and increased stress can be a perfect storm for emotional and physical melt down.
Keep moving! Make movement/exercise fun. Go for a walk to look at the holiday lights in your neighborhood, go ice-skating, snow-shoe, go sledding, get in a snowball fight, Bundle up and go for a hike in the woods and enjoy the silence, dance!
Get to bed on time! Make the most of daylight savings and the early darkness. Shut down your phone and tv. Take a hot shower/bath, get into your comfiest pajamas, put flannel sheets on your bed and get to bed early.
Gratitude is a helpful attitude
Take moments to slow down and make time for self introspection. Reflect on your values, the people and things that you feel most thankful for. If you have difficultly pausing naturally; you may declutter a space in your home as you reflect on the past year, the present and what you hope to bring into the new calendar year. Clearing a space often creates both a physical and emotional “lightness”. Sometimes this exercise can be difficult when hard things are happening. Please challenge yourself to find something that feels like a beacon of light, what can you feel good about in your situation right now?
HO, HO, NOOOOOOOOOO!
Be careful to not stretch yourself too thin. This is a time of year that we tend to over-schedule and feel pressure to say yes to extra activities, events, time at work, errands and family/friend get togethers. Remember this is the time of year our immune systems are most under attack. Increased cortisol/stress hormone due to increased stress levels may leave you worn down or sick by the time the holiday arrives. Plan ahead how much time/energy you have for the next month ahead. Don’t feel pressure to squish everyone and everything in. Celebrations can continue into the New Year. It doesn’t have to be all done now. Make sure your yes means yes and to say NO when the voice inside says no.
Plan on the stress and anxiety
You may be hosting, you may be traveling to see family, you may be alone for the holidays. Whatever the heightened emotion or stressor might be for you. Think ahead to the day or two before the event and the day afterwards. Do not use these days for the final details. Make sure to take time off. Use this time to sleep more, schedule less, make more time for things that bring you personal joy. Treat or pamper yourself so that you show up more peaceful, grounded and enjoyable.